How to Stop Being Needy with Women

How to Stop Being Needy With Women

For years I was the typical nice guy when it came to women.  While my buddies seemed to have a natural gift when it came to meeting and dating women, I seemed to drive them away.

Even when women were attracted to me purely by looks, I would screw it up as soon as they started talking to me.

It took my years to figure out why…

I needed their approval.  I needed their attention.  I needed their permission.

Like an addict, this neediness ran deep within me.

Where did it come from?  We could spend hours figuring that out.

Basically, it’s an immature emotional relationship to our mother which then affects all our interactions with all women.

It’s also a reliance on women as the sole source of sexual pleasure.

I can hear you saying “wait a sec, I don’t need women to have sexual pleasure.  I have porn.”

Exactly.

The porn has women in it, so once again women are the sole source of sexual pleasure.

How do we get rid of neediness?

It’s a process yet you can clear away all the neediness, once and for all.

Step 1) Awareness – the first step is to become aware of when we’re being needy.  How do we know?  Simple.   We’re being NICE.  Niceness is not a good quality.

It’s a give and take attitude that’s been ingrained in us by our teachers and parents when we were young.  “Be nice to your sister and you’ll get an ice cream” or “Don’t talk during class and you’ll get a gold star.”

It’s the way adults manipulated us into getting us to behave in a certain way.  Yes, I realize that parents and teachers have their hands full with all these kids so they have to use something, so let’s just say it was needed at the time.

Yet now we’re the adult, and we have to let go of this type of give and receive behavior response.  Nice guys are basically trying to behave nice to get something in return from the woman: sex.

Many guys give women compliments, buy them drinks, take them to dinner, all in the hope that since they were a “good little boy” that the woman will be nice in return by giving them sex.

It’s manipulative.

There was an agenda behind that compliment, or the free drink, or the night out at dinner.  That’s why women pull back.  That’s why they cancel dates, or act like bitches.  They don’t want to be put in a situation where they are expected to give something back in return.

They could feel a need coming from the guy so they took a step back, to give themselves some room to breathe.

While being nice one sign of neediness, what are other signs?

  • Obsessing over text messages (“did she text back yet”, “did she like my text”, “I shouldn’t have said that”)
  • Making sure to not upset her by disagreeing with her or having a different opinion
  • Feeling a gut wrenching pull to call her when lonely or sad
  • Staying physically close to her at all times during a date

Basically, neediness happens when a guy has an emotional need for a woman to become sexually attracted with him. 

This is why jerks often get more women – at least their being honest and not trying to control her.  At least they are upfront about what they want and not being sneaky.

Is this the only way?  No.  There’s actually a way to attract women without being a jerk…keep reading.

Step 2) Clearing – the second step is releasing the neediness.  It’s very simple.  Every time you catch yourself being needy, that is needing the woman to do something, let her go.

Let her go, completely.  

Once I became aware of my neediness, I realized that it would take some work to continually release it.  Years ago, I attended a 3-day wellness event in the mountains.  I really wanted to meet a cool girl that was into this health stuff too.

On the second morning, I sat down at breakfast with a couple friends and looked around, realizing there were hardly any young people at this event.

I could feel a neediness within me for a cute girl.  I closed my eyes right there, breathed slowly, relaxed, and accepted that there weren’t going to be any cute women at this event and that it was completely ok.

I kid you not, as I opened my eyes after this 30 second meditation at the breakfast table, a cute girl walked up and said “is this seat taken?”

We talked for a while then she took off to one of the workshops.  A few hours later, I could feel myself being needy again.  I wanted to see her, badly.  Once again, I sat and breathed, relaxing into the idea that I wouldn’t see her again and that it was completely ok.

Of course, soon after that I ran into her again.  Each time neediness came up, I relaxed and accepted the fear of loss.

That’s what neediness is – the fear of losing out with a girl.  If you can accept the worse case scenario, the fear goes away.  If you can’t, then you’ll have a needy vibe which will drive women away and the fear will come true.

Step 3) Stop Watching Porn – the third step is to create an environment which supports confidence rather than creates neediness.  Watching porn leads to neediness for many guys.

Why?  Since they condition themselves to have sexual experiences while fixated on images of women.  Then when the sexual tension builds up from within them, they feel they need a woman to come and assist them in releasing this sexual tension.

As men, we have to learn how to sexually satisfy ourselves without porn.  Additionally, we want to move toward emotional independence.

If we live at home or have a close relationship with our mother, we have to evaluate to see if we lean too heavily on her for emotional support.  If this is the case, then we could be training ourselves to be emotionally needy.

Instead, if we should learn how to make ourselves feel good when we are down instead of complaining to her.  We have to become aware of how she talks to us and make sure she respects us, and we respect her.

Otherwise, if she treats us like a child and we depend on her to cook and clean, it can create a very needy attitude within us.

It’s completely possible to be a good guy and still attract women.  Once we clear away the neediness, we can be in a good mood, excited about life, and still attract women without any need for them to act a certain way.

In my life, as I went out and met women, I would talk with them, buy them drinks, and take them to dinner, yet I never NEEDED anything from them.  I only took these actions because of the joy of sharing a drink with her or having dinner with her.

I didn’t NEED sex from her.  I didn’t NEED any one girl because I knew there were plenty more around the corner.

I got so used to meeting women, that I after I texted a girl, I’d literally forget about the conversation until she texted me back.  Women actually complained that I didn’t text them or call them enough.

I just kept accepting the worse case scenario, and being ok with her not liking me, that it became easy to meet and date many women.

I gave them permission to do whatever they wanted; go out with me or go out with her friends, whatever.  I was having fun and they could be a part of it, or not.  No problem.

In this way, I had an upbeat confident attitude.  Women want to have fun, they just don’t want to have to deal with your hurt feelings or expectations.  If you can get good at not caring what happens, then women will feel at ease around you.

If you’ve struggled with neediness and want a specific formula for supercharging this new attitude of carefree adventure, then check out my Ultimate Sex Life Formula in the Built For The Bedroom App.

1 Comment

  1. Adrain

    March 26, 2017 at 2:33 pm

    Hey Ryan,

    I heard about your work from Sam. TAT and EFT is very powerful and your book is very eye opening! I have a question, can you do TAT with music like meditation music ? I still live with my parents and they make lots of noises around the house :I 🙂

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